orangecrushsoda

Somedays I'll read back everything written here and just want to cry for this girl. I feel like two or three seperate people. The one inside my head, the person I know but still figuring out, the one i am on the outside and the one I try to be. I'm not sure which of them is truely me. Things like this make me seem insane.

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I don't make new years resolutions anymore, I never keep them and if I wanted to change or acheive why should I wait for the date to change? Why not better myself then and there?

This is not a response post, please don't think it is. I'm doing this to better myself in being less of a fort and more of an old wind swept beach shack. I don't want you to think I'm purposely hiding things, I'm not. I enjoy my head as much as I hate it. Most of the time I don't understand what I was overthinking about in the first place.

When I was young I was taught to not talk about money problems to other people. I was taught to not talk about things related to them. So I didn't. So I don't. My head has taken this approach onto everything. I want to say a million things to you but I don't want them to be ugly words. I want them to be perfect. I want you to be real. I'm scared and I'm not sure why. I want you to believe every word I say. I mean it all. I wish I didn't need to sleep. I wish I didn't feel so stupid. I read every word. I'm falling through my safety net. Damien Rice helps me sleep at night. These aren't even proper sentences. I wish I wasn't here. I am so grateful for tonight. I am grateful for every night. You make my head swim sometimes.

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There's something in my system and I don't know what it is nor how to get it out. I tried writing but got nowhere. Being creative only made is more apparent that my head is buzzing. I'll sleep but not without a headache. I want to run away. Hop on a train and go as far as possible. There are days where I wish I never saw that video four years ago so I wouldn't have wasted all these years of my life alienating myself from the real world maybe I could have been a better person because of it. I feel the need to cry but what over I'm nots sure. Someone shut me up.